I can sense a presence, as if
someone is behind the wall waiting quietly and patiently foreseeing my every
move and persistent enough waiting for the right moment to march with an army
and attack. They shoot to kill and never miss, I’m terrified. These sounds haunt
me like I’m a criminal being threatened by the cops. I can hear distant noises
but there is a prevailing silence that makes me uncomfortable. I would have
found my solace in knowing if someone was there to watch my back. But for me,
it’s like a dream that can never come true. People abandon me for one reason or
another, but I’m still not sure what it is. It has been like this for as long
as I can remember; all I know now is that I’m all alone out in this battlefield
with myself being the only reliable. I did not choose to be alone in life-
destiny did.
Roaming around in the house isn’t
my hobby, but sometimes, you just have to fight your fears making sure
everything is in order and under control exactly as you want it to be. Sitting
on the sofa watching a movie is all I can do when all other characters in my
life are enjoying their life to the fullest. All I yearn for is to be part of someone’s
life- not minding the characters being fictional. I am just about to witness an
important scene in the movie in which the villain is walking towards the hero
loaded with arms to finish him once and for all, but suddenly, something more
important catches my attention. It isn’t the movie, but me. I can hear somebody
in an attempt to break into the house. I grabbed the remote control and put the
TV on mute. My eyes were on the TV but I was all ears. I wasn’t sure what
frightened me more, the walking sound of Mark Wahlberg towards the enemy or the
one that I heard while the TV on mute.
The barking dogs confirmed my
suspicion that they had seen and sensed something irregular. A beastly presence
lurking in the dark with evil desires. Watching the clock repeatedly didn’t
comfort me because the sun has abandoned me like the rest of them. All I have
now is just the 100-Watt bulb to help me beat the darkness that is growing not
only within me but also around me, with every passing second. I switched on and off the lights, to make
sure that everything was normal and to reassure myself that there was a party
going on in the house. But my heart knows it that the party has been over a
long time ago.
People think that artificial lights beat the
darkness, yet unfortunately, it’s the light that comes from within that helps
us to survive. I’m devoid of such light for reasons unknown and more
complicated than Algebraic formulae to be figured out. People have weird
concepts of safety and survival. They lock all the drawers but put the gold in
their pockets. A sudden loud noise outside grabs my attention- “I have to be strong, I have to be strong.
There is nothing wrong” I drilled
myself with this idea now and then. I slowly got up from my sofa and tiptoed
towards the door to check whether it was locked or not. Thankfully, it was
still bolted tightly and firmly.
I am getting tired of being
panic-stricken. All I want to do is to rest my head on a soft pillow and escape
from all these worries, but it seems that even my freedom angels are conspiring
against me. I cannot even wink for an entire second in peace, despite the
tiredness of the entire world. I sometimes just want to close my eyes forever,
but an unrecognized fear makes me sit up straight in bed. What follows is a storm of howling questions on the eternal submission
of our soul to the soil, after which there is going to be no escape. This idea
trembles me even more. I distractedly looked up at the TV. Another action movie
had started, but you don’t want to watch it when you can sense a vivid trailer
of it all around you.
What to do now? I want to read a
book but I don’t want to see the traces of blood on it. So I gave up on this
idea too. Then what can I possibly do to find some relief and peace of mind? An
idea struck me like a thunderbolt, “Let there be light, for there is too much
darkness in this world.” Let these lights spread its wings and paint the world
in bright colors of love, beauty, hope and friendship. Just have a glass of
dew, pick up a pen and a paper and slay all those evil thoughts that are
scaring you to death. When a stone hits
your door and you open it in fear but there was no one but a ghost friend
provoking your thoughts to come and be together on a piece of paper for
eternity. When you spread the ink of words, all your fears are killed by your
imagination as you enter another world where you get what you want; you become
what you can only dream of and be on the top of the world like you always
wanted to be.
“What else can you do in loneliness
than to write?”
Quite moving. You are a good writer, Hassan. You have the skill of portraying images through words.
ReplyDeleteIt is easy to shun negative thoughts. And writing is indeed the best outlet. To dispel negativity, reading and writing about pleasant stuff can be very helpful.