I can sense a presence, as if someone is behind the wall waiting quietly and patiently foreseeing my every move and persistent enough waiting for the right moment to march with an army and attack. They shoot to kill and never miss, I’m terrified. These sounds haunt me like I’m a criminal being threatened by the cops. I can hear distant noises but there is a prevailing silence that makes me uncomfortable. I would have found my solace in knowing if someone was there to watch my back. But for me, it’s like a dream that can never come true. People abandon me for one reason or another, but I’m still not sure what it is. It has been like this for as long as I can remember; all I know now is that I’m all alone out in this battlefield with myself being the only reliable. I did not choose to be alone in life- destiny did.
Roaming around in the house isn’t my hobby, but sometimes, you just have to fight your fears making sure everything is in order and under control exactly as you want it to be. Sitting on the sofa watching a movie is all I can do when all other characters in my life are enjoying their life to the fullest. All I yearn for is to be part of someone’s life- not minding the characters being fictional. I am just about to witness an important scene in the movie in which the villain is walking towards the hero loaded with arms to finish him once and for all, but suddenly, something more important catches my attention. It isn’t the movie, but me. I can hear somebody in an attempt to break into the house. I grabbed the remote control and put the TV on mute. My eyes were on the TV but I was all ears. I wasn’t sure what frightened me more, the walking sound of Mark Wahlberg towards the enemy or the one that I heard while the TV on mute.
The barking dogs confirmed my suspicion that they had seen and sensed something irregular. A beastly presence lurking in the dark with evil desires. Watching the clock repeatedly didn’t comfort me because the sun has abandoned me like the rest of them. All I have now is just the 100-Watt bulb to help me beat the darkness that is growing not only within me but also around me, with every passing second. I switched on and off the lights, to make sure that everything was normal and to reassure myself that there was a party going on in the house. But my heart knows it that the party has been over a long time ago.
People think that artificial lights beat the darkness, yet unfortunately, it’s the light that comes from within that helps us to survive. I’m devoid of such light for reasons unknown and more complicated than Algebraic formulae to be figured out. People have weird concepts of safety and survival. They lock all the drawers but put the gold in their pockets. A sudden loud noise outside grabs my attention- “I have to be strong, I have to be strong. There is nothing wrong” I drilled myself with this idea now and then. I slowly got up from my sofa and tiptoed towards the door to check whether it was locked or not. Thankfully, it was still bolted tightly and firmly.
I am getting tired of being panic-stricken. All I want to do is to rest my head on a soft pillow and escape from all these worries, but it seems that even my freedom angels are conspiring against me. I cannot even wink for an entire second in peace, despite the tiredness of the entire world. I sometimes just want to close my eyes forever, but an unrecognized fear makes me sit up straight in bed. What follows is a storm of howling questions on the eternal submission of our soul to the soil, after which there is going to be no escape. This idea trembles me even more. I distractedly looked up at the TV. Another action movie had started, but you don’t want to watch it when you can sense a vivid trailer of it all around you.
What to do now? I want to read a book but I don’t want to see the traces of blood on it. So I gave up on this idea too. Then what can I possibly do to find some relief and peace of mind? An idea struck me like a thunderbolt, “Let there be light, for there is too much darkness in this world.” Let these lights spread its wings and paint the world in bright colors of love, beauty, hope and friendship. Just have a glass of dew, pick up a pen and a paper and slay all those evil thoughts that are scaring you to death. When a stone hits your door and you open it in fear but there was no one but a ghost friend provoking your thoughts to come and be together on a piece of paper for eternity. When you spread the ink of words, all your fears are killed by your imagination as you enter another world where you get what you want; you become what you can only dream of and be on the top of the world like you always wanted to be.
“What else can you do in loneliness than to write?”